Just another Day!

January 23, 2012

It's another Monday time to pick up grandma and take her to the Hair Salon! Only Problem, it's raining...

I make my way toward grandma's house expecting her to tell me that she doesn't want to leave the house but when I call her she is actually rational and knows that this is the only day we have to get this done, and so she agrees. WOW I'm surprised!

Problem #1: she calls me back to ask me for her check book. A debate we've been having for the last month or so. Because I have taken over all finances and she is aware enough not to like that anymore. But as her history would show she can write checks but never mail them! So I will keep the check book.

Problem #2: Because it's cold and dark outside she is moving a little slow and her memory suffers a little more than usual. I have concerns that she may be over medicating when she does take her meds or she just doesn't take them at all...

Problem #3: As we try to leave she is looking for her plastic cap for her hair, we walk back to her bedroom and I turn on the lamp. She yells at me to not turn on the light because she can see enough (it's a lamp) so I ask what's the issue? She says the bill goes up!! Really!!! I say I hardly think turning the lamp on for 2 minutes will sky rocket your bill, you have the heaters on all day. LOL wow. She turns around to leave the room and I ask her did you find what you were looking for? She says no and it must be in the car already. This is her way of rationalizing she couldn't remember what she was looking for. I find the cap, Low and behold! right under the lamp...

Big sigh and we walk out the door and I can come back and clean up and organize the kitchen again...

The Stove is not a Heater!

Sometimes you just need a laugh...

How many of us as kids knew someone who used the stove burner to create warmth in the kitchen. I personally can remember my other grandmother putting a brick on the stove when it was cold yet somehow I never remember it being warm...

It doesn't happen often enough mostly because our weather is inconsistent but from time to time I have walked into Grandma's house to find the stove on. She doesn't cook anymore so there is no reason why the stove should be on. The first few times I just shut it off. But now as things progressively get worse with her memory I'm afraid of what could happen if the stove is left on and she falls asleep or the pilot light goes out. Now as an adult I know that there is not enough heat generated to warm an entire kitchen but grandma still has that old school mentally.

Today it's raining, I knew she would be extra cold and she would be unwilling to go out and I couldn't blame her I didn't want to be out there either. As soon as I opened the door I smelled gas, I went directly to the kitchen turned off the stove and looked around. She was in the bathroom getting ready, how long the stove had been on I will never know. I went about my daily routine in checking her mail, cleaning up and looking in her Fridge to see what she needed from the grocery store. When she was out of the bathroom she was complaining of feeling achy, "did you take your prednisone?" I asked she said No. I gave her the pills and then called in a refill because the bottle was empty. I also began questioning her about a folder I found on the table. Home Design? Oh no what could she possibly have gotten herself into now? She had no idea... She starred at the paper estimate trying to read the scribble but had no idea what any of it was. I called the number on the card to find out. She had signed a work order for exterior paint on the front porch for $2,750!!!! I immediately cancelled the work because there is no way we were just going to let anyone do work on the house. She still had no real memory of what was going to happen.

I left for the grocery store and CVS came back unloaded everything and then sat down to talk to her. I clearly stated that when I first walked in a few hours ago the house smelled or gas and it was of concern that she had left the stove on. She denied the whole thing. Well I continued someone did... and for safety reasons I am asking you to find a different way to get warm because the stove is only for cooking it is not a heater! She as always told me it kept her warm and that she would never put herself in any real danger because she's smarter than that... I pressed on that it was not a good idea and if she was cold she could use the blanket resting behind the exact chair she was sitting on. Now being the queen of excuses she assured me that she knew what she was doing and it was fine. I would not take that response. I continued with a story I heard on the news about people dying in there homes because they left the stove on over night and I was just looking out for her safety. And then I saw it, that devious look in her eye that tells me she is just going to tell me what I want to hear to get me off her back and once I'm gone she will do what ever she wants. So I called her out on it. She laughed SO hard that I had caught her. I told her she could not create a loop hole for this one. The stove is NOT a heater! I told her I would have neighbors come into the house and check in on her to make sure and if necessary I would buy child proof locks so she couldn't use it. This idea was very hilarious to her. Then She asked me, "What if I'm boiling water?" I asked her, "Are you making tea?" She laughed again and again I said if you are using the stove to cook something or making tea great but if you are not I don't care if you use a brick, a pot of water or and open flame THE STOVE IS NOT A HEATER.

I am not 100% positive she is going to listen to me but I will continue to make my case one day at a time.

You'll get used to it!

My worst fear has arrived, and to think what sent it spiraling out of control was me leaving for 9 days.

It's not a surprise that we have come to this point but no one ever expected it to happen so suddenly. We have been watching her memory decline for about a year now, what was once just "forgetfulness due to aging" is now something so much worse and I find myself just as confused and worried as she is. 

It was pretty clear to me over the summer that things with her memory were on a serious decline. I found myself repeating our plans more often, she would forget when we were coming over, she was more tired, she seemed to have more and more trouble concentrating during a conversation in person or over the phone. I kept bringing it up with the Doctors but seemed to be getting nowhere. Although we did make progress when the doctor seriously recommended she stop driving. I believe that sudden loss may have set this boulder into motion. 

Fast Forward to October: The 5th she cancelled a Doctor appointment due to heavy rain. Not a huge deal except that it would have been my only chance to visit with her before my vacation. Even though I was talking to her on the phone every other day the idea of me leaving just wasn't sticking. Finally October 14th arrived and I called her as I was on my way to the airport, reminded her where I was going (Florida) and when I would be returning (Oct. 24), I reminded her I wrote it all down for her on her calendar and that I would be accessible via cell phone if she needed me and I would be sure to check in with her when I was all settled. I also let her know that I had scheduled an MRI appointment for her while I was gone and Everlyn would be taking her in my absence so we could make sure to have it done in time for our next visit with Dr. Davis. Everything seemed under control...

Saturday Morning my mom gets 2 frantic voice mails from her expressing great concern that I was flying to Italy all alone over the ocean. She wanted my mom to tell me to be extra careful and to only go to museums and universities to find groups to sight see with. My mom calmly informed her I was not in Italy but I was in Florida with my cousin and I was safe. I called her that night and tried to let her know I was fine and still in the U.S. She seemed very confused about the whole situation. I called her again the following day and only encountered more of the same. Constant reminders of the fact that I was in Florida not Italy, She had an MRI appointment coming up. Then came Tuesday, I opened my email only to find that she had cancelled it and that the day before she had gone to CVS and spent almost $400. I still see no evidence of what she purchased on that trip. I immediately called her to find out why she had cancelled the appointment. It was not raining, it wasn't too cold, and she had a ride. What was going on? She told me just had no way of getting there and that she just didn't feel like going. I could hear a different tone in her voice and I knew she wasn't connecting with the situation and was dead set that she would not be going to that MRI appointment. She was talking in circles and I couldn't keep it together. I had to accept what was happening and ask my mom to take over while I was gone because there was nothing I could do from 2000 miles away. I managed to get through the rest of my trip without much disturbance and my mom began to carry the load for the week. I was extremely grateful. 

Oct. 24th not a moment too soon, it seemed as though she was counting the days until I would be coming home because she called me as I was boarding the airplane. I didn't take the call because we were about to take off but sent a quick email to my mom asking her to call her and let her know I would call her from Texas. She sounded confused, and disoriented and wasn't clear as to what she needed but just needed to hear my voice. By the time I got off the plane in Texas and finally back in California I had 5 messages from her. All the same just as lost, confused and disoriented. 

Welcome Home...

It's about TIME!

It's been a long time coming but today the ball was dropped, Grandma is no longer allowed to drive on her own.


Today we had another follow up with her general doctor and I was determined to leave with results. If it wasn't her driving it was gonna be about her memory. It's been almost 2 years since her knee surgery and almost 1 year since we got her tested at the Neuropsych center and I have not been satisfied with how these doctors have been handling all these changes. 


Going back about a week I received an email from her tenant upstairs expressing some concerns about Grandma's health. Now she sees my Grandma everyday so she's gets a front row seat to the work that is Grandma. 


This is what she wrote to me:

                                       I'm writing to express my concern about your grandmother.

                                   For the past few weeks, she's saying she's more and more tired during the days, and it's getting worse and worse.

For instance, today, she got up, went to the bathroom, came out after about an hour and complained that she was tired. Then she ate something and took her pills, sat for a bit, then again said she was tired. I had to help her up from the couch after she had sat for a couple hours. 

Just a small walk to the washing machines outside seems to wipe her out. And (unlike her) she's been dozing off on the couch during the day without meaning to.

I mentioned this to her and of course she pooh poohed me. I told her I would be contacting you to suggest at least a call to the doctor to see if there's reason to be concerned. It is possible that this is a result of her starting to take the "memory" medication in the past couple weeks?

Anyhow, I thought you should know so that you can at least address it with her.

And so I thank her and let her know I've been aware of a few of these changes and I would address them with the doctor this week. In her next response she also lets me know that the week before she attempted to drive herself to church and never made it.  She got in the car got on the freeway and just couldn't make it to church. I now have all this information and I will get results from the doctor I say.

Finally it's show time! Thursday night I do my usual reminder call about the appointment and when she can expect me, to which she "already knows" and is glad I remembered, and we say our goodbyes.

I arrived and she is ready... for the most part. she has already had her breakfast but will be fixing herself a snack for the car ride there and I would like to leave at 12:15 because she needs the extra time to walk from the parking garage up to the 4th floor. I don't dare drop her off again because she took a trip up and down the elevator the last time. 

Once in with the Doctor she tells him she's fine, a little tired, has some pain but nothing she can't handle... same old speech, which is why we get nowhere in these visits! Finally he asks me if there's anything I'd like to add. So I list my concerns, about the driving, the missed medications, lack of movement and her increasingly deteriorating memory. Within minutes of a conversation she can't tell you what was said. And so he listens and then he says to her "I'm going to have to make a recommendation for you to no longer get behind the wheel" "no more driving" I completely understand that this is the MOST devastating news she could get in her life right now because this is the end of her independence but it has to be done. I don't want to wait for that call one day letting me know that there has been an accident and that she could've caused it because she became disoriented while driving. 

She fought back for a while asking why and rationalizing her "self-awareness" and thankfully the Doctor stuck to his guns and told her he was required to report things like this if he felt she could be a danger to herself or others. I think she finally agreed. At least for the moment. 

Once we left and were on our way to (can you guess?) The Sizzler... you know that place where I can walk around and pick my own food...  As we sat in traffic making small talk she must have asked me about 3 times are we going to eat? Where are we going? Are we stopping for food? Even as we were sitting at the intersection right across from The Sizzler she asked again "Where are we going"? I had to ask her, Where are we? just to see if she would recognize her surroundings. Finally she saw the Sizzler and got very excited. 

Now that Sizzler has the automated Kiosks it makes things so much faster! I love it! We order and get our table. She fills up her salad bar plate first because I already know it's gonna take her forever to finish it and she can start first then I can serve myself. I was able to serve eat, and eat my entree all before she was even finished with her first salad bar plate, nothing new.

Then the comedy starts! She's all done, we've packed her entree untouched in a to go box have a little ice cream and then she sees a fruit bowl! Now she decides she wants to take some home... but you can't pack salad bar items to go... I sit there with a blank look on my face because she has fruit at home. We can stop to buy fruit but she has to have THAT ONE! I tell she's technically not supposed to do it but as an old lady she can do whatever she wants! 30 EXTRA Minutes she sat there contemplating how she was gonna get this fruit, until she finally remembers what she's gonna ask the waiter and he brings her a new plate for the fruit she cannot take home... The plate is warm... "I don't want to put cold Melon on a warm plate!" I just about fell out of my chair laughing! She finally got the fruit, ate a couple pieces and managed to fit it into her to go box and we left. 2 and a half hours later!! I could've had a completely new meal in that time.

My oh my what am I to do!! 

The laughter continues... 

Progress

Progress feels GREAT! It's very small progress but at least we are moving forward...

It's been a few weeks since I had gone out to see grandma, and even longer since I just popped in for a visit without a Dr. appointment or some other type of event. I decided to go out to her house and just hang out and check in with her. Check on her Meds, check on her bills, and the other general maintenance around the house and in her head...

I arrived at about 2pm after discussing this with her the night before I was surprised yet again by the fact that she wasn't put together. She was wearing a lime green men's shirt as she always does but without her bra on, this means that she isn't feeling well. The last 2 times I had reason to worry about her she was dressed very similar. The no bra is significant because she wears prosthetic implants due to the 2 mastectomy's so it makes her appear very small and fragile. With this being said I began my normal roll questions, how are you? How are you feeling? What have you eaten today? Then only to hear the lady upstairs remind her about her Meds. At 2:00 pm she hadn't taken any of her medications... well it's a wonder why she was so off. She got up and took them.

I immediately began sifting through the boxes and books and papers on the kitchen table and chair so I could just find a place to sit. Vitamins, Magazines, articles, donation requests and Books, Books, Books! I moved filed and threw away as much as I could before she could even notice. I found bills that had been buried under all the junk and had her write out the checks while I was there, stamped and sealed them to make sure they went out. I had finally remembered to bring over the paperwork for "Big River" which is a plot of land she owns on the CA/AZ boarder. $500 to terminate they say for land no one uses... ok... but it's finally done!

To top off the night we used her Gift Card to Red Lobster! By this time all the pills had kicked in and she was looking and feeling as "normal" as she could. Dinner is always a fun experience because she eats so little! We decided to share a plate but with the bread and the side salad before dinner came she was already full! I split the lobster, shrimp & scallops and she still had a whole meal to take home!

Another day in the books with grandma... now to make our next to do list.

Happy Birthday Celebration!

This last weekend the Howard clan got together to celebrate Uncle T's and Marques' Birthday and what's a special occasion without some special stories?

Grandma did not disappoint. Two weeks ago the last time I saw them we had made a plan to have dinner to celebrate  these birthdays. This week we narrowed down the actual time and come Saturday Morning we had a conversation about the time yet again. Things seemed to be going well with grandma, she remembered what was happening and when it was happening. Great! I thought to myself.

So I set out on my day running errands before I had to head out to West LA. As I was sitting in the nail salon which is half way to grandma's house I get a phone call from her letting me know she wasn't feeling too well and wasn't up to going out. When I asked what was bothering her she said it was her stomach but couldn't really put a name to what exactly was bothering her. So I gently let her know I was already headed in her direction so we would just see how things were and maybe just have dinner at home. She agreed and  I went about my afternoon.

Once I finally arrived I found her sitting in the living room, I sat next to her and asked her again how she was feeling and she just said she was tired, and sore. Her "Stomach" seemed to be the least of her worries. She seemed a little insistent about not wanting to go to dinner but yet was very hungry and wanted us to bring her back something. I had to let her know it would be about 2 hours before we would be back so she might as well come with us if she wanted to eat. After a few minutes she managed to get herself together and we headed out the door.

Dinner itself was great! Lucilles was a great option and everyone was happy. After dinner as we were headed I thought to ask her again how she was feeling. She very calmly replied oh yeah I'm fine. So I asked how's your stomach? She said oh that's fine, why would you ask me that? I reminded her of what she had told me earlier, she then replies oh well that's just something I deal with and it's fine. I then reminded her how she had tried to cancel dinner because of this supposed stomach pain. She suddenly had no idea what I was talking about...

I am so puzzled by this situation with grandma... It seems that every time I bring it up with a doctor they just push it off or if I express concern with her she knows something is wrong but can't focus long enough to actually know how to handle it. And so the saga continues...

I'm an Old Maid!

Now that we are finally in the car on our way to UCLA sitting in Traffic at 10:45 am for NO apparent reason, I begin my usual round of questions about how she's been feeling so I can compare that to what she tells the Dr. It's all more of the same, her shoulder, her knee, her wrist, but it's all pain she's used to so she just ignores it... but we still go to the Dr. every 2 months. I also take this time to inquire about all the notes I see on her Kitchen table this week, Cancel Reverse Mortgage... So I ask her why she wants to do this. I guess she's been thinking about the future and what will happen to the house and where my uncle will live and what all that entails. I am not familiar enough to know how this effects us but I guess we should learn about it.

This conversation then triggers a memory of when my dad and uncle were kids and she used to give them a $10 allowance and they had to learn how to budget their money for what they wanted to buy. She went on and on about how much fun this was and how much they looked forward it and how good my uncle is with his money now. Then in a very matter of fact tone she says to me... "it's a shame you won't ever know what that feels like"... It was like a slow smack in the face, I didn't see it coming till her hand was on my cheek. I was thinking it was a slam on how I manage my money, which would be a lie because I am very good with the little money I do have. So I have to ask "WHY won't I know what this feels like"?  She responds, "because you won't have any kids" again in a tone that I have no idea what to do with. The conversation continues as I have to ask "AND... WHY... won't I be having any kids"? Taking great offense! Now she tells me because I don't seem to want them and I'm not getting any younger... This is the time that I ever so gently remind her that I am only 28 yrs old... the SAME age she was when my dad was born and that she was 30 yrs old when my uncle was born so in my book I am way ok!

She then asks me "well do you want kids?" Yes, I say eventually. But I would like to have a steady income, move out of my moms house and possibly, just maybe a husband... This then cycles into a whole conversation about how I'm so behind because I don't have a BF or "donor" so then I have to tell her that I do, but I typically don't start my relationships with Hi, wanna have babies with me?  Luckily for me her phone rang and the conversation ended.

Once we finally arrive at UCLA I tell her I'm gonna drop her off in the front so she can walk up and I can go park the car. I tell her the 3rd floor and she just has to walk out to the right and she's in the Dr.'s office. Simple... Right...

I park the car run up to the office and she's not there... I ask the front desk if she checked in and they say no. So I mildly panic turn around and walk back to the elevator and there she is. She was going up and down because she didn't know where the 3rd floor was. The appointment went as usual and as we go to check out and schedule her next appointment for October. There is a back and forth conversation about what dates going to work between my work & vacation and the guy asks me how old I will be, when I say 29 they are both left with their jaws open. This to which I say yep! and grandma thinks I'm an old maid! They laugh and the lady tells grandma, she's still young, there's no hurry!

Oh the adventures we have...